Vision 1: My Father.

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I send these in chronological order, and am sending a couple of personal
ones first because, spiritually, I think they kinda tell the story of where I'm
coming from, who I percieve Jesus to be, and what He means to me.

I love Him, and respect Him as my Father, Friend, and powerful King, not
some grand-daddyfied image of a glorified nanny, as some portray Him,
which, in fact, robs Him of the Royalty of His Dignity that God has given Him
as Savior of the World!

It was in total shock, Thomas fell, "My Lord and my God!"


In Jesus - Ray.



My Father.

The first 'dream' that I had, was when I was about 8, which had a really
powerful impact on me.

My questions & feelings regarding who my real father was, were more
at the front of my mind than they'd ever been before and I wanted him.
I *needed* him. I didn't know who he was, but I needed him to be a
part of my life, instead of all these other men I saw come and go.
I felt in my heart that you couldn't simply 'replace' a father with some-
one you knew wasn't your dad, and here my mother gave us fathers as
if they were on a conveyor belt! And *none* of them brought the deep
inner "spiritual" satisfaction I needed in knowing my real father. None
of them.

I could feel this right at the pit of my stomach, and although I couldn't
put it into words back then as I can now - I could feel it, and it hurt.


In the 'dream': I am sitting on the stairs, playing with my toy cars; I'm
3/4 turned towards the stairs, as I use one of them as a "platform" on
which to drive my cars. The wall is on my left and the banisters are on
my right.. My room is above & behind me so the entrance is directly
behind and to the right of my right shoulder as I face the stairs.
While I am playing, out of the corner of my eye, I see a man walk out
of my bedroom; he walks very quietly. I don't see him 'per se', but I
see the black leather shoes & pants of the black suit I know he wears.
How I know I'm not sure - but I know he is dressed all in black.

I watch as he passes on the other side of the banister, and listen to
the quiet creak of his leather shoes, and all I'm thinking is:

"I mustn't let him see me!"

I know I don't have time to run - and yet my feeling of rising panic is
mingled with such a desire for him - a need for him .. love! But I'm
absolutely terrified of him at the same time! This man has the power
to love me and to destroy me - He is my father!

And yet somehow I sense he is something much more than that .. I
just know that he mustn't see me, but I'm too frozen by fear to move
and run down the stairs, and even if I did that - he would see the
movement and thereby find me!!

To my abject *horror*, he reaches the end of the landing and I hear
the quiet creaking of his leather shoes as he descends the stairs, the
soft rustle of the smooth, clean, black suit He wore; I bury my face in
my arms, and huddle as deep into the stairs as I can - my fear and
panic growing as he now descends directly towards me, and with
every step closer he gets, I'm thinking:

"There's no way He can't see me now! How can He not see me?!!!"

And I was so terrified knowing that - as small as I was - my body still
blocked most of that little stairway and there was no possible chance
he could miss seeing me or be able to pass without me being in the
way.

Trying to bury myself in the darkness of my huddle against the stairs
as much as I can - knowing He can't miss me, but hoping .. somehow -
yet at the sasme time, there is the desire for Him *to* see and find me
because of my desire for Him!
I want to know Him so much, but I am so terrified of Him and wish I
could disappear off those stairs to some secret hidden place where He
couldn't find me, because I didn't know .. whether I was truly safe with
Him or not.

Yet my "Father" was coming, and my panic reached more and more
uncontrollable levels inside me, as I started weeping into my arm.


I knew He was dressed all in black. He had a black suit on, that glided
smoothly with every movement He made, making small "shifting" sounds.
I didn't dare try to look up and see His face!! His shoes were black.

That's all I saw. Everything was about black: His Complete and Total
Authority as 'The Father'.


It was Jesus. That I now know.


This dream stayed with me for *many*, many years and affected me
in a profound way. It molded much of the way I interpreted fatherhood
and "masculinity" in general .. power and authority, mingled with
gentleness and grace. I learned that love is not indisposed to fear, but
they are part of each other. You cannot truly love someone in
authority, unless you fear their authority in some way. But not a
negative kind of fear - that's not what I'm talking about, but a fear that
means respect.

That's what wrong with the world today. People are out of control -
because they no longer fear anything. The 'politically correct' band
has told them, "You don't need to fear God or anything", and tried to
elevate us above the earthly species we are, that God has relationship
with. This is not only wrong but is blasphemy in a way. It's just my
opinion.

But the images it produced in my mind were powerful & long-lasting.
It molded many of my attitudes, and in many ways still does, even
30 years later.


In Jesus,

Raymond ******.

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